Fact: Snake have no heart until their first kill, upon which they absorb the heart of their victim. Thereby tying themselves permanently to death and fear.

Fact: Snakes spring fully formed from the earth, delivered through “hell portals” that open on the stroke of midnight. They are the devil’s children.

Fact: This snake, no bigger than the twigs in my front garden by day, grows 438% during the evening and stares at me while I sleep.